


Ablaze

by runsoftbin



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Heartbreak, M/M, Sad, give me attention hehe, i want to get hurt, read this and sue me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2019-12-02
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:40:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21645394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/runsoftbin/pseuds/runsoftbin
Summary: Hanbin once thought, if someone like Jiwon ever loved him, it would set himself on fire.
Relationships: Kim Hanbin | B.I/Kim Jiwon | Bobby
Comments: 15
Kudos: 51





	Ablaze

The good thing about Jiwon’s brow piercing is how sometimes it distracts Hanbin from looking too long at his eyes. And when Jiwon looked at the street below them, the lights reflect on his dark orbs like clear mirrors.

He’s got a clean-cut now, he said he got bored with the messy hair that makes him look homeless—and _dear God_ how he took Hanbin’s breath away the first time he saw it. From the side like this, Hanbin can see clearly under the dim light how strangely smooth Jiwon’s skin is, and the high cheekbones, the defined nose, the manly jawline.

Especially when he’s inhaling the smoke so deep until the peak of his cigarette turns red—there is something majestic about him when he was looking far away at the city light. Something untouchable. Something Hanbin cannot reach, but he desperately wants so.

And the feeling Hanbin suppressed is threatening to spill everywhere like a messy flood—like his feeling is remnants of shattered glass that he tried to contain in his two palms, but they splattered anyway. Leaving wounds, trails of blood, and mess. Mostly, just mess.

It was 3AM and the rooftop of his old apartment building is cold and damp. Autumn is not so friendly for people who cannot stand cold—especially those who follow their desire more than their brains, those who seek shelters to cold hearts, those whose heart was bruised but always wants more. Like Hanbin. Like how he seeks warmth to Jiwon’s rough hands, like how Jiwon’s heat thawed but injured him at the same time.

“You can’t be calling me every time your heart hurts, Hanbin.” Jiwon said, releasing smoke to the cold autumn wind, not even sparing him a glance, “…you need to try to heal it on your own too.”

And it’s sometimes funny how Jiwon just blurt out things like that as if he has no regards whatsoever about Hanbin’s feeling. If he knows better, Hanbin would have quit this a long time ago—quit begging to Jiwon like some kind of desperate child for their mothers. Like those who are high of substances and being away stopped their brains from functioning.

For Hanbin, the Jiwon is all that. All the yearning. All the dependence. All the longing. Jiwon is all that.

“I know.” Hanbin said, walking closer to Jiwon who was leaning to the fence, and he stopped exactly when his chest touched Jiwon’s side.

He doesn’t do anything, though. He lets Jiwon’s heat radiated, wanting to take everything he can own, even just a moment like this. A moment that Jiwon even reluctant to give.

But beggars can’t be choosers. He needs to settle with what he can have. And if it’s a few hours visit before the crack of dawn, Hanbin is glad. He can live with that.

Hanbin leaned closer, trying to settle his cold face to the crook of Jiwon’s neck—where he’s the warmest. And Jiwon just let him do it like he’s nothing, like he wasn’t even there. He inhaled the smoke again, this time keeping it in his lungs a few seconds longer before letting it out to the night air.

“You are doing it again,” Jiwon said. His voice was rough, there was a chuckle there a little.

Hanbin smiles. “…doing what?”

“…acting like you love me for real.”

Hanbin almost hissed. His eyes feel burning.

His chest was so heavy that it feels somehow empty. Hollow.

“…but I do.”

He said. On the verge of crying and he knows Jiwon knows that too. The slightly older man just stays still.

Jiwon likes to pretend like that, Hanbin thinks. Like how he closes his eyes when he’s deep inside Hanbin, as if he was refusing the image of Hanbin writhing breathlessly beneath him. Like how he put the hood of his jacket just to hide red marks on his neck. Like how he wears his shirt immediately just when he thinks Hanbin hasn’t seen his own nail marks on his back.

Jiwon then moved, pulling away a little from Hanbin just to look at his wet eyes.

“You are sad,” Jiwon said. His eyes were soft like there was concern in them, showing things like he cares about Hanbin for real, “…there are differences.”

Things like this make Hanbin think that Jiwon doesn’t understand complex emotions like love. He knows black and white. Sad and happy. Hanbin was curious, has it ever occurred to Jiwon that humans can feel all sorts of feelings at once? And more often than not, those complex feelings are jumbled so messily—people sometimes call it love.

“I _am_ sad.” Hanbin confirmed. He isn’t going to hide it. “…but I am able to love you even when I am.”

Jiwon smiled. Probably because Hanbin had sounded so sure and firm. Jiwon always likes it when Hanbin like that—he likes courage, bravery, challenge. Sometimes Hanbin thinks probably that’s the only thing that are still keeping Jiwon beside him all this time.

Jiwon then leaned closer towards him, capturing his lips in a chaste kiss at first.

And Jiwon tastes like ash. Lemon vodka they shared after messy dinner. His taste clings to Hanbin’s tongue and Hanbin swallows his down, his head swirling with muddled thoughts.

Hanbin shivers, and he doesn’t know whether from the cold wind or from the feelings he suppresses. A sob makes its way to his throat, making him choke on air—and there is no way Jiwon can miss that. But Jiwon continued anyway. He closed his eyes as if he doesn’t want any visual memory attached to his weighing feelings. And Hanbin wished, deep down he _prayed,_ that if God exists He could maybe make Jiwon love him a little. Just a little bit, that can last until the sun rises.

“…I love you.”

Hanbin said, in between his heavy breathing and Jiwon who chases his lips for more. And then Jiwon just stopped; he pulled away a little but Hanbin can still feel his warm breath against his skin. A warm calloused hand then placed on Hanbin cheek—so, so tenderly like Hanbin can lose himself any second just from how _light_ it makes him feel.

And Hanbin would never miss one drop of tear that fell from Jiwon’s eye. And his brows are furrowed, and he was biting his lower lip.

But a second later he crashed his lips against Hanbin’s again—and they now taste like salt, like a feeling that was contained. Heavy like the rain. Like dull ache. And Jiwon suddenly was hesitant—was calculating. He gnawed at Hanbin’s lips as if he was unsure. And all Hanbin felt was heavy. Dull ache all over.

Hanbin once thought, if someone like Jiwon ever loved him, it would set himself on fire.

And that’s exactly what he feels now. Like he was burning in between his bones, yet no trace of smoke can be seen from the outside. Like he was being thawed from the inside, like there was fire. And fire was supposed to burn and his brain was alerting him that he’s being set ablaze—he’s red. Red all over.

But then Jiwon released him suddenly, backing away a few steps and then lean on the fence heavily—as if he too, was touching fire.

Hanbin just looked at him wiping his face with his hands, then running those hands to push his hair back. Like he was thinking. Like there was something weighing him down more than these excruciating feeling Hanbin had over him.

Hanbin was about to step closer towards Jiwon, maybe easing his back that seemed to begin shaking a little.

“…I have a baby on the way.”

Hanbin’s step was halted. He stood there like there was a bucket of ice-cold water being dumped right on the top of his head, raining heavily on his burning fire.

And all that’s left was smoke. Smoke all over.

“…my girlfriend is pregnant, Hanbin.”

Hanbin needed to reach the fence to keep himself steady. The strength on his knees almost disappear, and suddenly the view from the 17th floor felt too suffocating. Probably down there he wouldn’t feel like this. Probably down there the earth will pull him somewhere else. Probably if he just jumps down there he would disappear. Nonexistent.

But then Hanbin lets out a sad chuckle. And then he smiles. As if the fire hasn’t injured him, as if his heart doesn’t hurt enough to shatter him completely.

“Oh…” he said. A tear makes its way to his cheek but he roughly wipes it immediately. “…you always wanted kids…”

Jiwon freezes—he doesn’t say anything. He just looks emptily at the empty street below. Hanbin doesn’t know whether it was the lights reflect on his dark orbs, or just his tears.

“…she must have made you so happy.” He added.

And his heart shatters with every second of it.

But then Jiwon walked towards him—and Hanbin doesn’t see any doubt there. Only tears. But that’s understandable. Sometimes when you know you hurt people, your heart will hurt too. Even though you didn’t mean any harm you caused.

Hanbin closed his eyes when Jiwon gets closer—but then a warm hand was cupping his face. Rough hands were caressing his cheeks. He was kissed again, this time more roughly—as if it was an apology. As if it was a defeat, and Jiwon was handing him his broken hearts.

Hanbin kissed back. If this is how Jiwon apologizes, Hanbin wasn’t going to allow him to forget it. His apology needs to hurt, just as much as he had been hurting Hanbin. And Hanbin wished Jiwon would remember this one—this kiss. This heart he hurt. This story he ended.

“…Jiwon, please…” he said between his breath. Between Jiwon who kissed like he was hungry.

“No,” Jiwon said, as if now he was the one who wants the warmth—the fire. But Hanbin doesn’t have that. “…let me. Let me today, let me have this…”

And there was the same salt taste again, the same tears. The same maybe.

“Just until the sun rises.” Jiwon kisses again.

And with that, Hanbin realizes how easy he surrenders.

How Jiwon ignites the fire and how he would willingly let himself burn. Set ablaze completely. All at once.

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[END]

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So i wanted to get hurt, and i made this in like three hours.

So there's that.

Give me attention [@twitter ](https://twitter.com/runsoftbin)

and [@curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/runsoftbin)

Oh, there is a reference to the words i use as summary.

It's a post of Wei Wuxian X Lan Zhan (from The Untamed) on tumblr but i forgot the link, so im sorry for that... 


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